I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
