eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
