Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
