I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
