I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
