remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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