I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
