I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
