I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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