I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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