Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
