how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
