he thought i was a dude.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
