i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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