WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
