It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
