bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
