what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
