all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
