I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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