i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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