I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
