we have officially lost it.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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