I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
