he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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