Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
