Me. At least after what I've been through.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize