Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
