I cannot find my penis.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
