oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
