so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
