I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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