it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I came so hard my ears popped.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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