my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
