dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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