i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
