It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
