3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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