yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
