every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
