theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
