Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize