Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
