hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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