i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
