I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
They are going to name an STD after you.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
