i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I need water and some morals
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
