woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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