You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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