he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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