I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
