if i can run in heels then i can drive
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
