I will die if light touches me.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
