the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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