It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
