He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
How's work?
Spinning.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
