Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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