Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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